Have you ever just sat outside and listened? You didn’t have your phone. You just had your ears and you sat there and took in your surroundings.
I heard waves. Birds were talking to one another in a beautiful poetic tone. I sat there and sank it all in. The sun beating on my pale cheeks. I closed my eyes. I didn’t wanted to leave this place. I just got out of the hospital and knew I was pushing myself by going on a family vacation to a beach house 2.5 hours away from home. The car ride was a struggle, but this view and scenery was well worth it. I was sitting on a cement ledge overlooking a golf course that had the ocean in the background. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be sitting there, pregnant and all with my belly hanging half way over my knees and my legs dangling down, but for the first time since I was diagnosed, I felt peace. It was cold and windy, but in between wind patterns I felt the beating of the sun steadily on my body and it warmed me.
But then the thoughts started to kick in. Would I live? What if this was my last family vacation? Should I go be with my family right now while i can instead of sitting here on this ledge? By now I could feel the tears coming on and I decided to get off of the ledge. While hobbling to my feet trying not to fall, I turned my body around only to see my beautiful sweet 5 year old standing there. He had the look of sadness all over his face. I said, “What’s the matter baby?”. He replied, “Mommy, are you going to die? You’re always in the doctors and I see you’re so sad all the time. Can we please take sissy out?”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. How could a five year comprehend the depths of my sorrows. I tried to hide this all and shield him the best I could, but the constant trips to the hospital and seeing his Mommy continuously hooked up to wires and tubes. This shouldn’t be how life works. Why was God letting this happen to me? I’ve damaged my son and there is no coming back. If I die, will he blame his sister? Please God help me. I have to live!
Did you know that your body can live solely off Gatorade? Weird to think about right? If this were true, which flavor would you choose? My favorite is the Cool Blue. When you put it in the freezer and make it to a slushy consistency, you can pretend it’s real food so you don’t feel like you’re missing meals too much. It’s been a week and a half with no food or water and I feel like I might die.
You meet a lot of people when you have Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Anywhere from Doctors to the patients in the waiting room.
I met this Nurse Practitioner once. She was actually my favorite person to talk to because I felt like she got me. I always booked my appointments with her because I felt like she actually cared. I knew she couldn’t save me, but at least she cared. She told me once, “If you can at least hold down Gatorade a few times per day, you are guaranteed to live and you won’t die.”
Those words brought instant tears to my eyes that were so uncontrollable I could barely speak. Between the tears and the pointing of my finger trying to tell her to hold on so I could pull myself together, I was a mess. An absolute mess.
These words confused me. I begged them for a picc line every week but I was told I wasn’t sick enough. How can that be if I can’t even hold down the Gatorade that I was told would help me live, how am I not sick enough? Nothing makes sense anymore. No one can save me from me.